here you go,

getting my hopes up. was holding on to the possibility the he might actually like me too. but that’s expecting TOO much. dont wanna get hurt because of having too much hope only for it to be broke. good thing i caught myself before i seriously did get hurt.

A boyfriend. Someone who’s willing to do anything to be my everything. Someone who loves me as much as I love them. I want to be someone’s one and only. Not a replacement, a rebound, or a backup. Someone who won’t make me wait to be with them.. I just really miss that feeling.. Like a lot.

looking back at the letters we wrote to each other before and seeing that it was posted about a year ago cant help but notice how totally in love we were. thought i would reread them and end up crying, instead i reread them and smile remembering all the memories we had behind the letters. it was nice visiting memory lane for a bit. a lot can change in a year huh. lol but it’s time to put the past behind, because you’ve moved on and so should i. let’s make new memories as friends, eh?

when i get older, i’ll make it a point to raise my children to only say “i love you” when they mean it. those words are being tossed around TOO much today even if they arent meant. i dont want my children to be someone’s reason of a broken heart just because they lead them on with those words.

i miss being in a relationship. miss having those long good morning texts that i wake up to and give me butterflies. i miss being held. i just miss that happy feeling, you know? that someone’s yours and no one elses. i miss that.

i miss those blogs where people actually post things about themselves. like how their day went. what’s on their minds. it would be nice to know a little bit more about my followers. that’s why i’d rather follow personal blogs more than the themed ones. i need to know that my followers actually have thoughts and words of their own to share. know what i’m saying? lol

i love how no matter if you know the person or not. if you’ve talked to them before or not. INC brethren still try to keep in touch with each other. as much as possible they try to search for brethren around the globe through social networking sites. there’s an INC group on fb where everyone everywhere could talk stories and meet each other. people find INC people here on tumblr and dont even hesitate to talk to the brother/sister. there are even INC groups on online games where brethren can talk and meet on there as well (one of the reasons why i wanna play LoL) haha i just love it. how close the brethren are no matter how spread out we are and even if we havent met each other in person.

when i’m tired i’m either one of two things: hyper or grumpy. if i’m hyper i laugh at any thing and say the stupidest things. that’s usually stage one of my tiredness. stage two is when i get grumpy. dont think anyone should be talking to me at that stage.

i tired lol

but it’s hard when i’m someone who likes to help people, especially when it deals with my friends, with what’s upsetting them or making them sad. i see them post things or tumblr or fb about them being down or upset, depending on how close i am to them, i either message them on tumblr or fb or give them a call. i know how it feels to not have someone care and i also know how it feels to have someone ask me what’s wrong when they see that i’m upset or feeling low on these social networks (thanks to the besties). it sucks when no one cares, but it’s a great feeling when they take the time to ask you what’s wrong or the time to help you feel better. so that’s what i try to do. even if it’s not my problem.

i want a relationship that i dont have to hide.. i’m tired of those kinds of relationships. i’m tired of hiding it. i just want to be able to show off whoever i’m with. show ppl that this is the guy i love. he’s mine so back off. i want a relationship that i can post all over fb about. i just want one relationship like that.. and that would be enough for me… and for once.. i want someone to be able to show me off as his gf…

i admire those who can do that.. they have no idea how much i wish i had that kind of relationship..

i sit myself in front of my mirror to just look at myself and wonder how anyone could fall in love with someone like me. i’m stubborn, loud, annoying, not to mention complicated sometimes because of the religion. it takes more than looks to be in a relationship. it takes a lot of patience to be with me. i just hope that one day, i end up with the right one… if i ever do, that is.

it’s hard helping them understand something when they dont have an open mind or when they dont realize that, some times, they’re the one who’s wrong.

gotta tell bes that we need to stop eating out… that’s all we do when we go out -__-

i dont get to see much of my friends at school.. like casey, mel, les, kimmie, glory, etc… i miss hanging out with them and talking stories with them. they were my stress relievers. i never see them anymore because for one, none of our schedules are at the same times anymore so we dont have the same breaks. and two.. all my classes are at the Hawaii Loa campus, while majority of the others are in town. so it’s nice when once in awhile we take the time to catch up and update one another about our busy lives. talking to les right now. i miss her in my class :(

that i have no reason to hate her. yes, i admit i did blame her for a few things like ruining our relationship and almost our friendship for example… but that shouldn’t have been a reason to hate her.. i’ve never hated anyone before… until that unfortunate event happened.

but then i realized… she’s just like me. a girl fighting for the guy that she loves. what crime is there in that? she loved you even before she found out about me so it’s not like she intentionally did it. we’re the same.. me and her. fighting for you. waiting for you to chose one of us. fighting until you’ve made your choice. we’re not bad people… it just the situation that’s causing us to hate each other. i dont hate her anymore. she’s only fighting for what she wants. which is the same as what i’m doing right? if i hate her for what she’s doing i might as well hate myself as well..

i’m not sure if this is making any sense.. but it’s just a realization. a thought of mine. i’ll still continue to wait for your decision, whether it be me or her i’ll support whatever decision you make. i’m still your best friend afterall, yes? so i’ll wait but without the hate. without the jealousy. none of that anymore. i’l just wait. i’m done with hating.